Grief

Yesterday was one of the worst days in 18 years that you and I have experienced as parents. I don't want to write about it, I don't want to think about it, I don't want to deal with it. As I spent some time journaling and praying today, I thought about you. As much as I don't want to write about this, because I want to pretend or wish that it didn't happen, it will forever be a part of our parenting story.

The moment I do want to remember is us being a united front. The experience revealed to me how much you have grown, how much we have grown, how wise you are, and how incredible you are as a mother.

As we sat on the couch yesterday and you shared you heart, I saw you with fresh eyes. I saw your motherly heart open up vulnerably. You had grace for me. You heald a standard for our kids. You didnt just look at the consequences of the matter, you looked at the heart, the emotion, the hurt and the pain.

I see you.

I love you.

I couldn't do this life without you.

I am saddened by what has happened. But I feel hopeful that together we can navigate this as we move forward.

Apart

It’s Sunday morning at 6:00 am. I am sitting at my parents doing my devotion. You are on my mind. At the moment I feel disconnected because we have been away from each other for about a week. We talked in the phone yesterday but we were both sharing updates about kids and logistics. As I sit here I got caught up looking at this picture from our wedding day, twenty years ago. Wild. You look magnificent, looking at your smile, your eyes, you are hopeful, excited, ready to build a life with me. We have built a pretty amazing life together. Yet, as I sit here I want more for us, not out of comparison to the world but because I know as we heal and know ourselves we will have greater peace and love for each other. Neither of us want a mediocre life, not for ourselves or our kiddos. I sense a shift of growth for us both…me more loving and understanding, more present in the beauty of life, and you more open more driven towards your wants and desires. I love you Sarah and want to know you more and more as each day passes.

Poiema

Lord, thank you for my wife Sarah, she is incredible. This morning I was doing my devotion and reading Becoming a King by Morgan Snyder. He was talking about how many of us look at ourselves as sinners, but God sees us as children, as loved, as accepted, as Saints. Morgan was making the point that we live and operate based on who we believe ourselves to be. Ephesians 2:10 says we are your masterpiece - Poiema in Greek. I have been away from Sarah for about 5 days, I miss her, I miss her touch and the beauty she brings to our home. Help me to do my part, help me to Love her like Christ loved the church, and own my responsibility for her seeing and knowing she is a masterpiece in your eyes, that is how you created her, I don't want to ever be a negative voice in her ear making her believe she is a sinner when she is a saint. She is your masterpiece, and when her identity lies there she is an ever-expanisive garden bringing beauty to the world. - Amen