Grammy

Sarah,

Thank you for letting me hold you last night.

Yesterday was Shirleys Birthday. She would have been 78.

I see you babe. I know when days like yesterday show up there are so many thoughts, feelings, memories, disapointments, regrets (which I think are less about what you "could have" done and more wishful hopes of what could have been).

Know that you were and are the best daughter and granddaughter to Shirley. You were incredible to her with what you had to give.

Yesterday was special. You made it special. You honored her. You made red enchiladas, bought flowers she likes, had cake and her favorite ice creams...you even had her favorite candies...Werther's Originals. You did all of this because you want her to be remembered. The kids and I sat around the table sharing memories about Shirley.

She loved you, and she loved our kiddos. And Sarah, you loved her, you were there for her. Don't forget that.

Her life was blessed, her life mattered, and her memory, her work, her love for God is revealed in you. She gave you what she had to give, and you have built an incredible life with me from that.

Sarah, I love when you share your heart with me. I want you to know I see you. When you let me hold you as you feel the weight of life, I get to know you more deeply.

With all my love,

Ned

Grief

Yesterday was one of the worst days in 18 years that you and I have experienced as parents. I don't want to write about it, I don't want to think about it, I don't want to deal with it. As I spent some time journaling and praying today, I thought about you. As much as I don't want to write about this, because I want to pretend or wish that it didn't happen, it will forever be a part of our parenting story.

The moment I do want to remember is us being a united front. The experience revealed to me how much you have grown, how much we have grown, how wise you are, and how incredible you are as a mother.

As we sat on the couch yesterday and you shared you heart, I saw you with fresh eyes. I saw your motherly heart open up vulnerably. You had grace for me. You heald a standard for our kids. You didnt just look at the consequences of the matter, you looked at the heart, the emotion, the hurt and the pain.

I see you.

I love you.

I couldn't do this life without you.

I am saddened by what has happened. But I feel hopeful that together we can navigate this as we move forward.

Apart

It’s Sunday morning at 6:00 am. I am sitting at my parents doing my devotion. You are on my mind. At the moment I feel disconnected because we have been away from each other for about a week. We talked in the phone yesterday but we were both sharing updates about kids and logistics. As I sit here I got caught up looking at this picture from our wedding day, twenty years ago. Wild. You look magnificent, looking at your smile, your eyes, you are hopeful, excited, ready to build a life with me. We have built a pretty amazing life together. Yet, as I sit here I want more for us, not out of comparison to the world but because I know as we heal and know ourselves we will have greater peace and love for each other. Neither of us want a mediocre life, not for ourselves or our kiddos. I sense a shift of growth for us both…me more loving and understanding, more present in the beauty of life, and you more open more driven towards your wants and desires. I love you Sarah and want to know you more and more as each day passes.