The strangest Valentine's letter

Well...

Sarah...

A queen, a princess, a girl, a woman, a daughter to the creator of the universe.

I love you.

As I sat down to write you a love letter a song came on...timing is everything. I haven't listened to Bob Marley in ages, and I don't think I have ever heard this song. It's called, "She's gone."

Not really a love song.

But there was a line that hit me. I don't believe it, I don't think it's true. But in some ways, it is real because in some ways (not all) but some I think you feel it...and what you feel has a connection to me...meaning, I played some role in your feeling this way...along with having five kids, being broke for seasons, being in seasons of survival, the impact of my family, the impact of your family, and past friend relationships...there are a lot of things that influence you having days where you feel this way...the line is...

She felt like a prisoner who needs to be free

We have fought the past couple of days. It was horrible. I hate it.

But today I heard this in two places....this idea of a wife feeling like a prisoner. When we were at the gym I listened to a man teaching on marriage and he shared a book a man wrote about how his wife felt like a prisoner, and he had to give her space to process. Although he had changed, and life had changed, she needed the space to see, feel, and know she was free.

Sarah, I love you. Oh shoot!!! I just thought of another song I heard this week, a new song by Noah Kahan...Forever. This line hit me...

So, when I hold her close

I might loosen my grip, but I won't ever let her go

I won't ever let her go

Sarah, I will never let you go. I won't. I won't quit. But in some ways I need you to feel like my grip is loosened. You are free to be yourself and continue to discover who that wonderful woman is that God created when he made you. I am sorry when I put too much pressure on the moments and don't give enough space for the big picture victory, glory, and mystery of who you are becoming, and who we are becoming together. Both Matter...the US and the YOU.

Here is the full verse from the Bob Marley song.

She had left me a note hanging on my door

She say she couldn't take it, she couldn't take any more

The pressure around me just couldn't see

She felt like a prisoner who needs to be free

Fools have tried, yeah - wisemen have failed

Oh, listen to me, honey, life could never be another jail

Still we know now, we'll never see smoke without fire

And everyone you see has a heart desire

I love you. I don't want the pressure around me to blind me from your heart's desire. At the end of our life on this earth I want to look into your eyes and know I loved, supported, and celebrated your heart and every one of its desires.

Ned - I am truly your biggest fan, and I want to spend my life proving it.

I love this picture because I felt it was a moment in time when we were closest to our truest selves and also united as one.

Free and Confident

Sarah,

The girl in the pink dress. You are the love of my life.

Over the past few days of reflecting I realize I have not done my very best to SEE you. To SEE all of you. I want to know you deeply. I want to know all of you. I want you to feel my love, and not for the role you play in my life but simply because you are loved UNCONDITIONALLY.

I love this picture of you. You are free, confident, and spontaneous. I love this Sarah (because I think you love this Sarah). I want to be a part of you giving yourself the freedom to be this Sarah and not the "be ready for anything and protect yourself Sarah - isolated."

You are truly special, an incredible woman, a serving mother, and a faithful queen.

This week you are at the Deeper event. Dropping you off at the airport was so incredibly hard. I am so proud of you for going. I don't like using that word because I think it comes off as arrogant but that is not what I mean...what I mean is, I know this is so hard, I know it is not your first choice...by any stretch. But I think at the core it is more about what is possible for us, for our kids, and that is why you make yourself go. My prayer is that it becomes more about doing it for you - because you matter - I want you to know how much you matter.

You and God already have such a cool relationship, my prayer is he pursues you this week and the two of you connect in a new and fresh way. My prayer for that to happen is NOT so you will change for us - but because you and your heart matter and you are loved, I hope that you feel that this week.

I adore you and hope you also have some fun.

Your dude - Ned

Missing you....

Lovely lady....I miss you.

This weekend I was at Disneyland with our baby girl...she turned 11. It was so nice you let me take her and her friends. It was great to be the guy, the fun dad, they one they looked to for food, direction, etc.

But we are on our flight home and I miss you.

I have to be back in California in two days. I came home just to see you. A few weeks ago we spent 12 days apart. I didn't like it. I couldn't be away that long again.

I am on my way home to you.

I want to make the most of the two nights we have together.

I love you.

Ned